Blasphemer

The origin of Blasphemer continues to be a mystery to this day, but we will summarize what information that we have dug up from various publications such as Psychology Today, Smithsonian Magazine, Redbook, and Cat Fancy. It is believed that Blasphemer is the love child of Glenn Danzig and Wendy O.Williams. At the tender age of eight months, Blasphemer (then known as Vincent Price Anzalone) was dropped on the steps of a Roman Catholic Church located in East Brunswick, New Jersey. Even then, Blasphemer possessed the darkness in his eyes and soul. According to Psychology Today, Blasphemer had the ability to socially engineer anyone to do his bidding including many of the nuns no matter how ridiculous or sinister his requests were. By the time Blasphemer turned seven, the nuns have had enough of his shenanigans and shipped him to a tough as nails orphanage in Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

There, Blasphemer developed a taste for the dark arts and Air Supply. Two days after his 9th birthday,Blasphemer was caught desecrating gravestones in a local cemetery by painting hot air balloons on them from the Air Supply album cover. When no one from the orphanage arrived to claim little Blasphemer, the state of Wisconsin did everything in their power to give him a family that could nurture and care for him without the evil influence of Air Supply. There are no records of Blasphemer until he was 15. Under his given name of Vincent Price Anzalone, he is listed in Census Bureau Records as living in Ogunquit, Maine with a fishing family named Price. Obviously, Blasphemer couldn’t be listed as Vincent Price Price, so the Price family chose to rename him Joseph Fisher Price. As this decision wasn’tclearly thought out, Blasphemer got his ass whipped on a daily basis in high school. This is when Blasphemer dedicated himself to the dark deity known simply as Cher. Obviously, Cher was a high and powerful witch who could manage to titillate a gunship full of naval soldiers while prancing around in a half-assed leather wrestling singlet. This is where Blasphemer honed his skills in social engineering. Where else could he learn such tactics other than Cher? When Blasphemer saw the power within Cher, he chose to completely overhaul his image of the kid with the elastic waistband bright blue pants and striped polo shirts to anything that was black. Blasphemer dyed his hair black, wore black eyeliner, and even started to call himself Brock Black. Although Blasphemer wasn’t all that imposing, he stopped getting beat up and people took notice. At this age, he also discovered heavy metal music. It didn’t sound anything like Cher, but it made him feel indestructible.

As heavy metal is sort of a gateway genre, he started light. Blasphemer thoroughly enjoyed the speed and brashness of thrash metal even though the lyrics were (and still are) completely juvenile in nature. He started purchasing shirts and cassettes with the money he earned from cleaning fish on the shores of Ogunquit. This type of work and life began to bore Blasphemer and once again, he fell of the proverbial grid. In 1999, Blasphemer turned up once again by simply opening up a checking account in Tuscaloosa,Alabama. Although not much is known of his time here, he did make a blip on the radar by being arrested for breaking and entering a hog farm. When police arrived, he was drunk off straight Sloe Gin riding around the pens at blazing speed on one of the largest hogs ever recorded in the United States. While being arrested, Blasphemer screamed Raisin Bran according to police reports. Today, there is still no significance or clue as to what Blasphemer was trying to communicate with local law enforcement. The 2000s brought a calming period for the man accused, but not deemed guilty by a court of his peers of many heinous crimes (none listed in this bio—I mean, we want you to listen to this guy’s show for Christ’s sake). Blasphemer started a family with a woman known only as Woman and a small tribe of feral children known as the demons.While this may sound misogynist and offensive, that is what was listed on Woman’s Pennsylvania driver’s license. Here in Emporium, Pennsylvania is where Blasphemer, Woman, and the demons adapted to farm life and practiced Wicca. For years, they lived under the radar and sold their crops at the local farmer’s market. They lived well above their means citing many to think they were drug dealers when in fact, they sold their souls to David Hasselhoff and abused Blasphemer’s ability to socially engineer the local yokels into handing their money over for blessings which was nothing more than a kick in the ass with a steel toed boot. When the Department of Justice investigated the Blasphemer farm, they disappeared under the cover of darkness. When Blasphemer emerged, it was learned by The Maury Show that Woman had left the country to become a renowned shadow puppet expert and spread the demons throughout Europe and Micronesia. This put Blasphemer in a dark place in which he has been unable to escape from. Blasphemer decided that he would attempt to use his free time to spread The Gospel of The Horns through educating niche adhering sheeple by any means necessary. Initially, Blasphemer’s approach was aggressive and a tad bit extreme, but he learned from his mistakes and sugar coated the message of the damned to draw the roaches into the light. Saving up every free cent from his earnings as a hand model and foot masseuse, Blasphemer bought himself a microphone and desktop computer with hopes of becoming a DJ on an internet radio station.Since swearing off his social engineering abilities years ago after something known only asthe incident,Blasphemer decided to brush the dust off from them one last time to sway two ladies of immeasurable power by the names of Loki and Gidget into giving him a chance at playing heavy metal on their radiostation. Loki and Gidget were impervious to Blasphemer’s onslaught of suggestion, but decided to give him a chance under the condition that he could make nice with the other DJs on Woody Radio.

Blasphemer did everything in his power to whisk away his social awkwardness and not utilize his rustyskills of influence while communicating with the likes of Mac, Jim Fucking Bell, Luna, Ragman and Mr. B. Somehow, his depravity was seen as charming and now Blasphemer can be heard on Thursday nights at 10:00 EDT playing death, black, doom, and grindcore music while still expressing his sensitive side of watching The Notebook, referencing Yanni, and adopting animals from the shelters. Despite his hate filled heart, Blasphemer is eternally grateful to Woody Radio and the DJs for allowing him to spread the gospel of music not intended for anyone as he says quite often.